Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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