I'm pants shitting drunk right now
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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