I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
