He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
