I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Randomize
