3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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