guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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