Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Houston, we have a blender
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
