Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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