What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
