A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
