Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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