Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
