I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Who died my cat blue again?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
