I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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