did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
