i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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