No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
