Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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