Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
