last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
