I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
