he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
