Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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