wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
