Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
