ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
