According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
