my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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