dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
