Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
