I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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