Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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