**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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