no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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