Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
What drink are we having for lunch?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
