I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
