Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
