My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
