you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
