Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
