I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
