So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
This baby is an asshole
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
