in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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