I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
