Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
His hands were made for my vagina.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
