My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
