Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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