if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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