"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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