we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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