Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize