He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize