she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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