i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
