Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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