Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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