I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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