I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
