News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
